Hi there, I belong to the Xx party. No, I’m not talking about a new political party here. I’m talking chromosomes. In other words, I’m a woman. Shocker, I know. And though I’m not the first and won’t be the last Xx chromosome human being that will walk on this rugged earth, I’m part of this interesting and intricate group of beings who are often against one another.
Let me explain.
For example, though I'm not a mommy myself I have lots of great beautiful momma friends and I have to say that one thing that, both surprises me and often puzzles me, is how critical mommas are against other mommas. But here's the thing, it's not just mommas, it's girls in general. Know what I mean? I just wonder, why can't we just rejoice with a sista?
I am an Eve. You are an Eve. We are all Eves. And yet, somehow, instead of finding our common ground in which to cheer each other on we seem to, more often than not, tune our inner eve to find the flaws and faults of the sista next door.
So what if the Eve across the street doesn't have the perfectly planned naptime you have meticulously created for your little minions? And what if the girlfriend served her little 'smurfs' a lunch sponsored by chocolate M&Ms rather than the organic farm next door? What if that momma's munchkins run around like they've been given a healthy dose of mountain dew?
Oh how quick we are at times to consolidate the qualities of a fellow Eve within the parameters of her human flaws.
But you don’t have to be a momma to do this you just have to belong to the womanhood club to fit right in. But It's not just the criticizing, it's also the comparing and sometimes the enviousness that comes upon us as we see the other 'she' enjoying a piece of what we wish was our situation, our world.
Though we may not often admit it, it's there. Like when we login to that crazy world of Facebook. As soon as we click that login button our news feed is flooded with statutes of the sista next door. Her photo of that carefully crafted lunch she served her kids while you mustered enough time and effort to give your child a knife, two pieces of white non-organic bread and the peanut butter and jelly containers so they could make themselves some lunch. And then there’s that selfie your girlfriend posted with the flawless make-up and delightful jewelry while you’re running around town in your husband’s sweatpants because laundry hasn’t been done quite yet. Or those endless photos your next door stay at home mommy friend is posting of her and her kids at the zoo, the park, the pool while this morning you had to say goodbye to your still sleeping child as you rushed to get out the door to get to that 9-5 office job. Oh! Her happy life, perfect body and almost perfect children, along with her abundant flow of creativity being displayed on every DIY project she kindly posts for us all on FB.
And please, let’s not talk about the posts of the girlfriend whose relaxing at that beautiful beach with book and piña colada in hand or walking along those venetian streets with her Louis Vuitton bag while you are sitting at patient’s first with yet another ear infection.
Why must these posts so often provoke feelings of the dissatisfactions within us? Why must they be so darn good at highlighting our insecurities? Specially, on those occasions when we are feeling a little blue, when life’s a bit more hectic than normal...Ugh!
Here's the thing, none of us ladies have it all together. We're looking at her 'perfect' world through the lenses of our dissatisfactions. We see her world and we think it is what we need, want or lack. But let me assure you, she's looking back at another Eve and many times she's also seeing through the same lenses you are. She put on the make up and the heels and the jewelry but it may all stem from trying to uplift that insecure chubby little girl she used to be and that somehow, years later, still lives within her perfectly fit body.
What I’ve found is that it all boils down to one simple word: AFFIRMATION.
Yes, our constant need to seek affirmation because in the midst of our crazy, hectic, imperfect, sometimes discouraging, many times challenging, everyday lives we are in desperate need to find emotional support and encouragement.
Perhaps that’s why we too often ‘share’ that comment on Facebook as we seek affirmation from fellow sistas like ourselves, who think like us, who parent like us, and who will empower our little rants. All while diminishing the way the sista next door does things. And maybe that’s why we post photos of our day and type our statuses and wait for the likes and comments to pour in. Yes, another approval, recognition and affirmation rushing in to fill our self-indulgent meters but it’s all temporary. These meters empty quickly and soon we are back to the criticizing and the comparing.
You are not a bad person. You know you’re not perfect, nor is anyone. You DO hit the like button of your girlfriend’s happy posts and are happy for her, you just wish that for once it were you that felt comfortable in your own skin, content with your little world, happy to look at yourself in the mirror, and thankful for what you have no matter how big or small it may be.
But perhaps it’s possible to find affirmation through the encouragement we give to that Eve who does things so different from us. Perhaps instead of staring and criticizing and comparing we find our common ground. After all, if we haven’t already, one day, not far from now, you may be the one who will find yourself in the shoes of the other sista. One day it will be your time to be humbled as you are chasing after that 2 year old down the Target isles while your 5 year old is throwing a fit because he wants THAT toy or candy, not tomorrow, not the next day, but today.
Okay, it’s time to stop the criticism and the comparing my fellow Eve. It’s time for us to rejoice with the sista next door and
good gracious, it’s definitely time to start honoring our common threads.
Cause believe it or not, we have more than not.