I remember the day I got the call. It felt as if I had lost something. If you haven’t read my story then you are asking yourself, “what call?” It was the call from the infertility treatment center. I had lost another opportunity, another battle, another try. But how do you lose something you’ve never possessed? And how, if you’ve never possessed it, could you feel the searing sting of said loss?
Though the reality of losing in this life is part of the process of living, it’s never easy when it comes knocking down your door. I remember playing as a child, pretending to be a mommy and putting that pillow under my dress to see what I would look like one day. I also remember a decade ago, in my late 20’s thinking or saying to myself…”I think I would like at least 2 children, probably not more than 3 and definitely not 9 like my mom”. Today I would settle for at least one, just one.
Perhaps the reason why the sting of a loss I’ve never possessed can be so disheartening is because, though I’ve never physically held “it” in my arms, I’ve held the idea of it tightly in my heart.
And isn’t that just what we tend to do? For so long we hold on to ideas, expectations, dreams and when the time comes and they fail to fulfill our pre-conceived ideals we feel lost. We feel lost because we never prepared for these unwanted and unfamiliar outcomes. It’s not quite the map we played out in our minds, nor the directions we programmed for our inner GPS to follow.
In our fabulous age of innocence we tell ourselves…“When I grow up I’ll go to college, get my degree, get that awesome job with that awesome pay, get engaged to this hot guy, marry said gorgeousness, have the most beautiful children, become that wonderful housewife, then become the greatest stay at home mommy, end world hunger, establish world peace once and for all…” Okay, okay, you get my point. And yes, though these are not the exact same things you may have told your young self years ago, you know what I mean.
Ideas, expectations and dreams are great and wonderful to have, and yes, we should have them. Please, DO dream big, DO let your mind loose with those wonderful ideas, and DO expect great and wonderful things for your life. BUT, if in the future, they don’t quite fit in that perfectly little square you had envisioned, remember that the different road you are being asked to travel doesn’t mean that it will end in tragedy nor in a life that is completely unblessed, unfulfilled and discontent.
And when you come to that unfamiliar road, when those unwanted outcomes appear along the way and you feel lost, lose your grip a little on those pre-conceived ideas, expectations and dreams. Let loose just enough to find yourself in the palm of your caring, heavenly Father because you can rest assured that though you may feel lost, your heavenly Father has not LOST sight of you…
“God’s love is meteoric, his loyalty astronomic, His purpose titanic, his verdicts oceanic. Yet in his largeness nothing gets LOST; Not a man, not a mouse, slips through the cracks.” (Psalm 36: 5-6)
Oh! and for the record, I did get engaged to that hot guy and then I got to marry all of his glorious British gorgeousness. Here’s proof to that. :)
My apologies, this took me more like 8 minutes to type. Lost track of time!
This post is part of the Five Minute Friday community. Today's prompt word was: Lost