When I began writing my story I only had one thing in mind...I wanted others to hear it and be encouraged by it. And let me tell you, it's been so neat to hear YOUR stories and your journeys.
Now, I am not writing my journey of infertility for others to feel sorry for me, or to vent my sorrows and disappointments online nor am I here to seek people to validate my actions or my faith through this journey. And good Lord, we all know that I'm definitely not sharing this story because I wanted to use this platform to show you a 'perfect' example of how to deal with your own hardship and tragedy.
The thing is, when it comes to the faith aspect, most of what I've experienced in my journey of infertility I already knew in my mind. Yes, in my head I knew exactly how one should displayed his or her faith in the midst of tragedy and I was also very well aware of who God is, how He loves. I probably even had the ability to theologically make sense of it all.
But see, this journey has not been a journey solely filled with sorrow. To be honest, I'm surprised of how well I've managed to make sense of the incomprehensible. I’ve even surprised myself of how I’ve been able to hold to faith and hope. As you now know, it hasn’t been perfect and that’s why I’m sharing. Far too often we live our stories in secret unaware that many walk the same journey, overwhelmed by the thought that we feel we are scoring so poorly in this test life has so unwantedly graced us with. Sometimes, all we need is to hear someone else's journey to give us the push to run one more mile.
I hope that as you’ve read along, you’ve found your own strength in hope, in faith, in the future ahead. I hope that somewhere along the way you’ve found the courage to not live this journey quietly and alone for it is in the lonely places that tragedy finds its victory over our lives and its control over our outcomes.
And so, as I come to the third part of my still unfinished story, I wanted to share some of what I've learned in the form of a letter I wrote to my yet unborn child.
Dear Son or Daughter,
I’ve never met you, I’ve never been embraced by you, I’ve never heard your voice, never been the receiver of one of your sloppy wet kisses and I’ve never gotten to clean any of your sticky messes. I don’t know if I’ll ever meet you but one thing I know, your absence has taught me much. I used to think that I was certain about many things in life and I was confident that nothing could really test my faith. But then, your absence came.
You’ve taught me that life is never controlled by my meticulous plans and desires and that your life is too precious NOT to be planned by the Creator.
You’ve taught me that though I know I would fiercely love you while on this earth our heavenly Father loves you even more.
You’ve taught me that sorrow is not the end to every tragedy, that the absence of your laughs are not the end of mine.
You’ve taught me that faith should never be determined by the gifts bestowed by our Father nor should faith ever be the side effect because of answered prayers.
You’ve taught that being a mommy is not the sum of all my identity, that I am a wife, a daughter, a sister, a friend, a mentor, a teacher, a neighbor, a disciple, a child of God and because I am all these and more, I cannot afford to push the pause button to dwell in my sorrow for many are the steps I still have to take while breathe is still left in my lungs.
You’ve taught me that I can live fully even without you in my arms, that I don’t have to live life in a flat line because of this unwanted lot in life for in the midst of despair I can find joy without measure, experience peace that passes all understanding and be lavished with undeserving blessings.
You’ve taught me that you are not a gift I am owed. You are a life that if chosen to live it will never be to simply fulfill my desire to feel your little feet kick my stomach or hear you uttered the word ‘daddy’. Your life will have so much more meaning than this.
So dear child of mine, thank you. I am not perfect and I don’t have it all together but I am blessed to know that you’ve helped me grow so much. And so, my promise to you is to live everyday fully, laugh often, continue to pray believing, be thankful for every blessing, love God even in the midst of tragedy and love people even when they may seem undeserving.
All this to say, I promise to live this life as if you were here with me because I know if I had you in my arms I would faithfully strive to make you proud to call me your mom.
Part 4 :: Coming Soon